The Haute Seat

Christopher Lynn | Staff Writer

In Runway Fashion, there are few men, and absolutely no room for anyone of any gender to be overweight. Even in “ready to wear” fashions, though extended sizes exist, selection is limited, often mundane and quite ghastly.

With all of this already against us, we still have to take into account our body shape and height. I am someone who is between sizes. Usually, I can pour myself into an extra large, but there is always that one brand from which I have to buy an extra-extra large to fit into. Not to mention I have to be careful of slim and custom fits … and don’t even get me started talking about pants.

But anyway, before I go off on too much of a tangent, let me address the real issue here. Though there are numerous factors to sort through when shopping as a husky fellow, it is still your responsibility to shop responsibly. No, this is not a Public Service Announcement concerning alcohol but it should be taken just as seriously.

Have you heard of beer goggles? You know, the goggles used to simulate the feeling of being intoxicated? Well, some people look through Brash Evaluation for Everything Retail (B.E.E.R.) goggles when they go shopping. These two terms hold roughly the same meaning. For those of you still confused, let me explain.

Say you’re at a party with a bunch of girls, all you see is opportunity. You walk around for a while, see a couple of cute girls, but you aren’t ready to seal the deal with any of them just yet. You take a few sips of beer to ease the pain of possible rejection. After a few sips, you’re feeling pretty sauced and maybe even a little desperate. For certain though, your beer goggles are now in full-effect.

Once the goggles are on, every girl you see receives a three to four point rating increase. If you end up picking out a girl who ranks as an eight or nine, in reality she’s probably about a four or five. You get her number, call and text her for a couple of days, then finally decide to go out. In your conversations she tells you she looks like Amber Rose, but when you finally see her again, without your beer goggles she looks more like Rosie O’Donnell. Tragic, right?

Now, say you go to the mall with a bunch of clothing stores. Again, all you see is opportunity. You walk around for a while, see a couple of nice pieces, but they’re not your size. You feel slightly defeated, and decide to broaden your search so you won’t leave the mall empty-handed. After a couple stores, it’s safe to say you’re pretty desperate. The B.E.E.R. goggles are in full effect.

Once the goggles are on, every shirt you see extends two sizes. You look at yourself in the dressing room mirror, tugging on your shirt slightly, and say, “Eh, it’ll stretch.” With this thought in your mind, you buy it and walk out the store a happy camper. But what happens when you get home to try it on, thinking it’s the “one,” but it looks more like an onesie? Tragic, right?

Buying a large shirt when you obviously need an extra-extra large is something I hate seeing. I feel like it gives a bad representation of big guys as a whole. With that being said, please buy your correct size. When I see you around campus, I shouldn’t have to wonder, “Bruh, do you need a wonder bra?”

So, all you muffin-top men, living on Drury Lane, this Haute Seat goes out to you.