By Audrey Javan
When there are no bright colors or jaunty music to distract you from how dark it already is outside, the living room can be such a glum place. Even if you have multicolored lights strung up around the room and a poinsettia that you don’t know how to care for valiantly holding on in the corner, sometimes the burden of winter is too great for festivity to thrive. As we take the time to recover from a likely rough semester, we just need something cheerful to turn on to lift the mood. In trying times, the best — the only — option for salvation is the Hallmark channel. That’s certainly what they want you to think, anyway.
There’s a complicated and honestly funny history here. I mean, we’re talking about a postcard company from over a century ago that took over an interfaith television network with the help of The Jim Henson Company, which then made a name for itself as one of the reigning kings of bland, never-changing, non-confrontational, cookie-cutter television content. To make a long story short, the Hallmark channel came into its own at the turn of the millennium, and has since grown into the powerhouse of direct-to-TV movies and clean content for 20–50-year-old women that we know today. What’s important to us in this story is 2009, the year they began their holiday takeover with Countdown to Christmas, the 24/7 movie event starting around mid-October and carrying viewers all the way up to the big day. I managed to avoid it for 15 years… but Hallmark eventually claims us all. And now here I am, ranking and reviewing a selection of Hallmark movies from my seasonal viewing.
Hallmark is, well, the hallmark of repetition. You know them for classic plots such as young big city career-woman gets stuck in a lovely small town for the holidays and falls in love with a good, simple small town man, which helps her discover that the big city is evil and what she really needs is to be right here making gingerbread houses for the rest of her life. But do you know some of their other tricks? Throughout my weeks of viewing, I came up with four additional Hallmark tropes that I hadn’t seen people discuss before: (1) a parental figure is dead, and it’s a really big deal; (2) the Salvation Army makes an appearance; (3) the Salvation Army Santa is implied to actually be Santa; and (4) the male love interest is a charitable man, probably for the benefit of children, if not just a good father. Once you notice the ever-present patterns, it’s impossible to stop. For every movie on the following list, I’ll add points for which of these boxes it ticked.
Please note that if a movie didn’t get a certain point, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it doesn’t have that feature; it’s highly likely that it is there, but the movie ran together in my head and I forgot. Have sympathy, I beg.
- “Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story”: A hygienist at my dentist, a true Hallmark fan, claims that this is the best Hallmark Christmas movie she’s ever seen. Who am I to disagree with a master? If you’re thinking this will be a Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce-inspired love story, you’d be right in that the main character is blonde and the love interest works for the NFL team, but surprisingly, that’s where the similarities end. It’s much more about a sweet family of fans and their magic beanie that the main character feels way too strongly about. I won’t explain it too much, though, so you can get swept up in the magic for yourself. Get ready for Grandpa Paul to say his lines as if reading them off a cue card he’s never seen from across the room; though it’s hard to fault him for it when it’s so funny. This movie is blatant Kansas City Chiefs propaganda, but it has heart, I’ll give it that. My roommates and I all got misty over a couple scenes, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see what happens when the Chiefs play the Steelers on Christmas Day — this movie gave no prediction besides hope. Wake me up when Hallmark makes a heartfelt Christmas movie about the Detroit Lions!
+1 dead grandma, very impactful to the main character
+1 Salvation Army Santa in too many scenes
+1 he’s totally the real Santa
+1 male love interest donates a lot to the Salvation Army (philanthropic-adjacent)
- “Santa Tell Me”: While this has a plainly ridiculous plotline, I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s legitimately hilarious in its absurdity. The actors all play their characters with hearts buoyed by love for the stage and nothing to lose. It’s hard to get taken out of a story by unrealistic elements when the entire foundation is Santa hiding a cryptic letter in the air duct of an abandoned home to help an HGTV telecaster find true love. How did Chris know where Olivia’s condemned childhood home was? I don’t know, but Santa exists, so just go with it. The twist was a little predictable (as in I predicted it), but my roommates and I had such a field day when we found out I was right that I don’t even care. Guessing is fun! If you like house renovation, races against time and enemies-to-lovers novels in which the leads bicker at work for a bit before realizing they have a lot in common, then this is the movie for you!
+1 dead parents
+1 more than one of the love interests were practically saints (i.e. in Doctors Without Borders or a firefighter)
- “Christmas on Cherry Lane”: Being totally honest, I watched this one last year, but Cherry Lane has become such a phenomenon that there was no way I couldn’t mention it. Though I hesitate to say this, this movie is… somewhat unique. While each family within the house follows a typical arc, the plotlines come together with unexpected intricacy, even if it doesn’t make sense all at once. I also appreciate that, for once, this isn’t a rom-com, but instead a movie about already-set couples and family units dealing with change together. It’s still saccharine, but at least it’s a little different. There’s a caroling scene, there’s a gay couple, there’s a general bittersweet atmosphere — this movie’s got everything. And with three sequels already in development, there’s no better time to get in on the hot new cinematic universe taking the film community by storm!
+1 Conrad and Winnie’s dead father is their central conflict
+1 being a good dad is quite literally a theme
- “‘Tis the Season to be Irish”: Most Hallmark movies are filmed in quaint Canadian small town sets, but this one was a foreign foray, a testament to the channel’s surprising production power and probably also to Hozier’s strong impact on American culture. Filmed in the gorgeous Irish countryside and starring an actor cool people will recognize as Gawain from BBC’s “Merlin,” this movie manages to take on the heavy topics of romance, grief and the ethics of house-flipping. Some viewers complain that there isn’t enough Christmas in this Christmas movie, but given everything that was going on, I think it’s alright if it isn’t as heavy-handed with the yuletide cheer. For the others who say the movie was too boring… yeah, they might be onto something. While every other movie on this list is a comedy, this one takes itself a bit more seriously, which might dampen the vibe for some. If you’re still worried about the movie’s joy factor, though, I’m sure Lamb Chop the sheep will brighten it up sufficiently.
+1 dead mom as a central plot point
+1 love interest is trying to protect the sanctity of Ireland (which I think is a noble cause)
+1 woman quits her job to stay in small town
- “Three Wiser Men and a Boy”: The way they phrased this title makes the movie sound like a sequel, but don’t worry because I don’t think it is. I’m sure that this movie was one of the year’s most highly anticipated Countdown to Christmas originals, guessing solely off the fact that I probably have every word of the trailer memorized. And it certainly lived up to the hype! By that, I mean that it wasn’t bad. Each brother had an interesting personality and I laughed a few times, which is more than I could ask for. Maybe it’s just because I never did one as a kid, but I think every character takes the elementary school Christmas play too seriously and philosophically, which killed my investment a bit. It’s not a big deal if the stage has inflatable snowmen and flashing lights on it. Pageantry is kind of the whole point of a Christmas pageant, especially when it’s being put together by amateurs under stiff time pressure. I thought we all knew this.
+1 dead father
+3 both brothers with romance plots help many children, the already-wed brother is a great dad
- “Trivia at St. Nick’s”: I can’t lie to you and say that this is a good movie, but I can guarantee that you will laugh. You’ll laugh at it, to be specific. All the characters care so much about trivia, it’s almost sad. The questions themselves are ridiculous, nevermind the inexplicable photo of the trivia award’s namesake that gets too many close-ups in a movie that’s not at all about him. The international students on campus devour a plate of gingerbread cookies as if they’ve never seen food before. The Beatles were mentioned at least twice. If you watch this, please pay attention to the final trivia scene and let me know if you notice the main couple helping the team literally at all because I swear on my life that they don’t. There are so many things about this movie that make me wonder if anyone involved in the production was serious about it, or if it’s all an elaborate joke specifically designed to peeve me. At least I know I’ll never forget a reindeer’s top recorded speed. Basically, it’s a seasonal must-see.
+1 dead dad is a big deal
+1 male love interest is practically the sole guardian of a lonely Hungarian football player
- “Coyote Creek Christmas”: This is by far the most diverse Hallmark movie cast I’ve ever seen, starring Janel Parrish as the only non-white lead on this list. I also applaud them for making progress on the LGBT allyship after the 2019 scandal in which they stopped running ads that had a lesbian couple kissing. They made up for it in this movie by having the lesbian side couple… still not kiss. A step in the right direction, I suppose! This movie has Christmas carols you don’t know whether or not to laugh at, a confusing town mascot, an easily-fixable central problem and an honestly unreasonable breakup. So it’s practically a flawless plot. If you’re a savant like me, you might notice that the male lead, played by Ryan Paevey, is basically just reprising his role from “Christmas at the Plaza,” a different Hallmark movie in which he also played a well-meaning guy who’s helping out at the hotel the main character is setting up a well-researched holiday season exhibition in. You have to wonder if this is the only character he knows how to play.
+0.5 absent baby mama
+1 male love interest is a great father
+1 woman quits her job to stay in her hometown
+1 woman decides after, like, a week that she’s ready to be a mother
- “Checkin’ It Twice”: I think this movie severely overestimates how much store owners and servers care about potential credit card theft. Maybe Raleigh just isn’t that kind of tight-knit storybook town, though. Hallmark seems to have seen the uptick in hockey sports romance novels and jumped right on the trend, just without any of the trademark spice, thankfully. More than anything else, “Checkin’ It Twice” made me wonder if being a real estate agent was as easy as it seemed and if I should look into it, which I don’t believe was their intention. If I were to be generous, in keeping with the feeling of the season, I’d say that this movie engages with topics like unattainable dreams, running out of time and giving up on what you once thought you wanted, all of which are meaningful and interesting themes. It is, however, the movie that it is, so it’s a little hard to feel strongly about any of it.
+0.5 absentee father
+1 love interest begrudgingly helps children, then learns to make it his whole life
+1 woman quits her job to stay in her hometown
Hallmark movies are never violent, never negative, never surprising and never aware of real-world problems. They’re blind escapism to levels that not even high fantasy tends to achieve. That being said, I would never deny someone the opportunity to have a sweet treat after a hard day — or year, rather. As long as you recognize that these movies aren’t high art (or art at all, really), then they’re undeniably good for a laugh. Or at least for background noise during a holiday party.
The schedule for the remainder of Countdown to Christmas can be found on the Hallmark channel’s website. If you missed one that you really wanted to see, don’t fret! Hallmark wants you to get Hallmark+ so badly, but having looked at how much it comes with and how much it costs, I hesitate to encourage diving in unless you’re a true Hallmark head, both TV and cards. Many TV providers have at least the base Hallmark channel that will be playing these films along with classics of yesteryear all day and all night. If you’re so unlucky as to not have one of these providers, though, Peacock has a ton of Hallmark originals in their catalogue. If you still have a subscription left over from the Paris Olympics like my family does, you can use it to watch all the holiday rom-coms on demand as your merry heart can handle.